Reporting live from the bush:

So you want to live off-grid? Dreaming of sunrise yoga, boho vibes and eating papaya straight off the tree? Cute. But let’s talk about the real locals you’ll be sharing space with. Spoiler: they don’t pay rent, they don’t respect boundaries and some of them want your breakfast (free-loaders!)

Huntsmans ~ these guys are huge, hairy and love showing up at the worst possible time. Midnight pee? There’s a Huntsman above the toilet. Shower time? Surprise leg count. The good news? They eat cockroaches and mosquitoes. The bad news? They’ve got no concept of personal space and too many knees to make eye contact with.

Bush turkeys live for chaos. Mulch? Scattered. Veggie bed? Excavated. Your sanity? Questionable. They don’t destroy gardens because they’re hungry, oh no,  they do it because they can. Their vibe is less animal and more chaotic ex with a shovel.

No one tells you that when you move off-grid, the kitchen comes with lizards. Big ones. They sit on the benches, occasionally chase moths and sometimes just…..watch you eat. They don’t cause much harm, but it is a bit weird being side-eyed by a reptile while you’re making a cuppa.

Kookaburras ~ Romantic bird calls at dawn? Try hysterical cackling followed by an aerial attack on your toast. These cheeky bastards will swoop in, steal your bacon and laugh about it. Literally! Ferocious….I’ll let you be the judge.

Snakes mostly mind their own business ~ until spring. That’s when they start their wriggly little mating dance right on your front path. Nothing like stepping outside and finding a reptile love-wrestle where your welcome mat should be. Romantic for them. Terrifying for you.

Big, bold and absolutely not bothered by you. Goannas stroll through our gardens like bouncers, casually digging their claws into trees while you wonder if climbing the car roof is a reasonable safety plan. Spoiler: it is! (We even had one at our front door, like a dog wanting to get in!)

Finally, good guys. An echidna waddling through your yard is the off-grid equivalent of a rainbow. They dig around, mind their business and remind you that not all wildlife is out to ruin your life. Bless their spiky little hearts.

Leeches ~ go for a walk in the rainforest, they said. It’ll be fun, they said. Ten minutes in and you’ve got a clingy new friend sucking on your ankle like it’s a free buffet. Leeches don’t care about your bug spray, your socks, or your dignity. They will find you. They will latch. And they will ruin your attempt at being a serene forest goddess.

Ticks are proof that nature has a dark sense of humour. They’re tiny, sneaky and their whole personality is “I choose you!” ~ except instead of Pokémon, it’s your scalp. You’ll only notice them when you feel that creepy-crawly sensation and realise you’ve been claimed like a piece of real estate. Pro tip: get good at body checks and keep the tea tree oil handy.

Living off-grid is magical ~ grounding, wholesome and full of stars. But it’s also a daily reality show. It’s a wild ride.

Welcome to the bush, babe. It’s chaotic, it’s bloody hilarious and it’ll keep you humble!

♡ Love Rain